Mommy Brain

I had forgotten how wonderful this book is. I put it on my list to re-read because I remembered that I liked it, but I didn’t remember how much it spoke to me. I started it yesterday, and I only made it to page two before taking out my pencil to mark this passage:

“I cannot rouse my sleepy soul. I tried getting up at four-thirty in the morning to have a quiet time with the Lord. Trust me, it was quiet. I have fallen asleep on God on more occasions than I can count. I have tried to memorize chapters of Scripture and found that I’ve killed so many brain cells with Nutra-Sweet trying to be thin and holy that I’m no longer able. I thought that Jesus said, “Come unto Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you more to do than anyone else!” But Jesus didn’t say that. He promised me rest. But I couldn’t find it. My constant struggle to be “godly” left me tired, empty, lonely on the inside, and ready to give up….

I gave up. I surrendered. My whole-bean self. I let go. I stopped being in charge of my spiritual goodness, because I didn’t have any spiritual goodness. I had worked for God and yet withheld my heart from Him. I’d sought to please Him, like a father who is hard to please, and missed that He was pleased with me. I tried to do so many things for God that I missed being with God. Where was the goodness in that? I was the keeper of the covenant. I was the one making the sacrifice. I thought what Jesus did for me paled in comparison to what I was doing for Him! God was so pleased to see me surrender. He probably laughed. It hink He got tired just watching me. I discovered that the Christian life is not about trying harder. It is not about keeping it all together. It is about trusting in the One who can keep it all together. Martin Luther said that we show whether or not we believe the gospel by what we do when we sin. If we just roll up our sleeves and try harder, we are not walking with Jesus. If we can do it all ourselves, what do we need Him for?

When I gave up, I began to wake up. I felt the gentle stirring in my soul to respond to God. He whispered to me, “Jesus came to give you life.” Life? What is life if it isn’t running all the time? Peace - real peace on the inside, from all of this climbing, striving, and worrying. Joy - unabashed delight in life, regardless of the circumstances. Love - foundational, unconditional, never-ending love. I didn’t have to work for these things, I just had to surrender to them. I had to stop long enough to let them overtake me. Again and again.”

Why is it so had to surrender to God when I know He loves me? When I know His plan is for my good, no matter what circumstances I find myself in. I want to surrender, to have the kind of relationship with Him that I read about on other blogs, where He seems as close as breath.

I long to have an awareness of His presence throughout my day, but that’s not the reality. The reality is little bits of snatched prayer - usually when I’m worried about something - and the rest of my day spent dealing with the kids and housework and trying to carve some time out for myself. And moments of repentance when I blow it and yell at the kids - again. At night, I read my Bible, but more times than not I nod off before I finish the day’s passage.

When I hear about surrendering to God, the first thought I have is, “What do I need to do to surrender?” I find that sad and funny at the same time. I know that everyone says, “You don’t need to do anything, just let God do it for you!” but I have no idea how to get to that point.