Why does it have to be so hard?
To make friends among Christian homeschoolers, that is. You’d think that these are the people I would have the most in common with, right? Let me show you why this isn’t true.
Today we went to our homeschool science class. We meet once a week and the kids love it. Today they experimented with gases, using dry ice, which of course was a huge hit with the boys. There are three other families whose children go to the class, all Christians. Although the class is not sponsored by Christians, it is held in a church.
After class, the kids were playing on the play equipment and I was visiting with one of the other moms. She had just been to the library, and so I asked if she was going to sign her kids up for the summer reading program.
She responded, “Yes, I think I will this year. I didn’t last year - one of the prizes was a Harry Potter book and the whole theme was about dragons, so we avoided it.”
Now, I’m sitting there thinking about how I wished Natalie or Noah would’ve won the drawing for the Harry Potter book cause it would’ve saved me the cost of buying it, and also about how the kids loved the dragon theme and enjoyed the (gasp) magician so much we went to see his show again over spring break. And I’m wondering if this potential friendship is worth the tremendous amount of effort it will take to explain my position on all things Harry Potter, magicial, medieval, dragonish, and anything else she might be offended by.
In my head, I come up with some possible openings:
“Do you like the Narnia and Lord of the Rings books? Why do you think those are acceptable but Harry Potter is not?”
“Have you ever actually read a Harry Potter book?”
“Why are you against dragons?”
And a few more that were overtly sarcastic.
Before I could open my mouth to say anything at all, Noah came running up and said, “Mom, can we stop by the library on our way home? I think my Pokemon book came in.”
I say, “Sure, we need to return a few things anyway,” and return my attention to the other mom in time to see the pursed lips and widened eyes. I can almost hear her internal monologue: Pokemon? Oh my gosh, what kind of mother is she? Doesn’t she know that Pokemon is demonic?
As she announces to her kids that it’s time to go, I cross her off my potential friends list. I just don’t have the energy to defend or explain our choices to someone I barely know. I have a few friends who I’ve already invested in and they are dear to me, and yes, we disagree about things. But the foundation has already been laid and the friendships are deep, so we agree to disagree. But why can’t I find fellow Christian homeschoolers in real life like I’ve found online? Christians who read, think, and learn for themselves. I have no problem with someone who has actually read Harry Potter (or seen Pokemon or Power Rangers or whatever the latest anti-craze is) and then decided that it’s not right for their family. I wholeheartedly respect that position. But I have no patience left for knee-jerk reactions based on something that people are not willing to check into for themselves.
I have one fairly new friend who is a Christian and happens to agree with me on this. She told me about a sermon a pastor gave at a church they previously attended. The pastor was preaching about that evil Harry Potter and that horrible J. K. Rowling, and how he had written the Harry Potter books in order to lure children into satanism. He? The man did not even know the gender of the author he was defaming from the pulpit. And of course he had never actually picked up a Harry Potter book or seen a Harry Potter movie. And yet I’d be willing to bet he jumped right on the Lord of the Rings and Narnia bandwagons.
One of my sisters has chosen not to “do” Harry Potter at her house, and she has never read the books or seen the movies. But, she respects my point of view and doesn’t try to convince me that I’m wrong or not truly a Christian if I don’t agree with her.
I long for friendships where I can have intelligent dialogue with people. No, we don’t have to agree on everything, but we should be able to converse and debate and learn from each other and not write each other off just because our media choices aren’t “Christian” enough. I like to think that I am willing to be taught, to change my mind about things if I find that I am wrong. Is it to much to ask for the same thing in other people?
Yeah, your sis has to respect it. Because what makes a christian give into a desire like nose rings and tatoo’s that the world has encouraged as a fad. But then has to analyze intellectually the morality of a book, and decide its wrong..lol
your hubby… don’t dis-own me
May 25th, 2006 at 1:50 pmI so totally feel you! I run into that all the time. My best friend’s husband is a pastor and they do not allow anything like Harry Potter in their house. My daughter doesn’t understand why her best friend can’t watch the movie with her..
We really enjoy that stuff. It’s *pretend*!
Mind if I blogroll you?
May 25th, 2006 at 3:24 pmDo I ever relate!
May 25th, 2006 at 3:29 pmMy son has read nothing but Dragonlance novels for the last couple of months. I guess we wouldn’t fit in either. And he is frequently listening to 80’s heavy metal while he reads. Am I a bad parent?
May 25th, 2006 at 5:37 pmI know how hard this one is. We’re huge, HUGE Harry Potter fans.
But I’ve asked my boys not to bring up the topic at church. Then I wonder why we go to a church where we can’t be honest about who we are.
Crissy
May 25th, 2006 at 5:45 pmKevin - I would never disown you - who would support my book habit? I can’t believe it’s taken you this long to finally comment, though!
Laura - nice to meet you! Blogroll away, please!
Andrea - I keep thinking that you and Ron should move here or we should move there - I know Ron and Kevin would get along - debating and talking techie. Of course, you would understand everything they were saying, too, and I’d nod and pretend and change the subject to what books we’re all reading and Natalie and the girls would have a blast while the boys ran wild. Oh, well…
COD - Dragonlance? I’m gonna have to check those out, my son is always looking for something exciting to read. And my husband is a fellow 80s heavy metal fan, so join the “bad parent” club.
Crissy - about the church thing, I’ve had that very thought myself many, many, many times.
May 25th, 2006 at 7:05 pmAnd yet how could you find a church that was 100% Harry Potter accepting? I don’t think that any churches advertise that on their billboards!
Kevin, do people who are anti-Harry Potter in your area actually use nose rings and tatoos? (Giggle). I can’t say that I’m pro-Harry Potter, but I haven’t had to cross that bridge. We do have friends both for and against, and I can respect both their opinions. Is there anything that you are against that others might find acceptable? Would you want them to feel uncomfortable if they felt it was okay and you did not. I think maybe this is kinda where the apostle Paul was coming from when he said “when you are with the Romans, eat as the Romans do” and “if eating meat sacrificed to idols causes your brother to stumble, don’t eat it in his presence”. I’m feeling too lazy to look up the references, so I’m hoping that you know what I’m talking about!
I love your blog, by the way, and very much enjoy reading it at least once a day. I hope I haven’t said anything to offend (I’m a social idiot and don’t intend to).
Your sister in Christ,
May 26th, 2006 at 4:39 amCarol G
This was really interesting to me. As a non-Christian, I have similar troubles, but I had never considered that a Christian with different tolerances might experience the same problems. I have some Christian friends who can open heartedly accept me for who I am and I love them for it. Others are polite and invite me to participate, yet there is always an undercurrent of judgment. It is an uncomfortable feeling, most certainly. Each family makes its own choices and follows its own value system, whether based on religion or not; to judge those parental decisions is unfair and unecessary.
May 26th, 2006 at 2:11 pmI do understand and sympathize. There so many nuances to this whole subject. If I don’t want my children to play, for instance, Dungeons and Dragons, am I being legalistic and judgmental if I don’t allow my children to play with the next door neighbor’s children who do play that game? (Do people even play D&D anymore?) On the other hand, can my children not even mention reading about witches or dragons for fear of offending someone in our church?
I let my older children read HP. I haven’t read them or seen the movies because I am contrary and refuse to jump on bandwagons and know from experience that I won’t enjoy the books because they’ve over-hyped. How’s that for pride and prejudice? (I jumped on the Narnia and LOTR bandwagons before I knew there were any bandwagons, back in the dark ages of misspent youth.) My nine-year old son has a tendency to become absorbed in whatever he reads or watches; he’s seen Spiderman, and my furniture has the scars to prove it. I don’t want him running around casting spells, so I don’t let him read HP. I, of course, don’t have any problems with parents who make other decisions.
It is hard to find people who can discuss these things openly and intelligently and respect the opinions of others. However, if you don’t open yourself up to possible hurt by starting the discussion, you’ll never find out who the people are who could be friends because they are able to respect your opinions and not feel threatened by Pokemon and Harry Potter.
By the way, I don’t care for Pokemon much either. Can I still be your friend?
May 27th, 2006 at 5:04 pmSherry - Of course you can still be my friend! I have found that with my son, if I forbid something, he can’t quit thinking about it, but if I allow him to watch it and watch it with him (within reasonable limits, of course) then the obsession passes and he’s on to something else. We’ve gone through Spiderman, Bionicles, Lilo & Stitch, Megaman, and Neopets - and they’ve all been short-lived. I expect the same to happen with Pokemon. I watched the movie with him and didn’t find anything objectionable. But I know that’s my opinion, and others probably think differently. If my kids ran around casting spells, I probably would think differently about Harry Potter.
I agree - I do need to be willing to open up the discussion. It just gets wearying sometimes to feel like I’m always having to defend my positions.
And I know what you mean about over-hyped. Yes, Harry Potter is very commercialized. I saw the movies first, at the theater with my Dad, and loved them. My dad and I are the two in the family who have always enjoyed sci-fi and fantasy. I didn’t allow the kids to watch any of the movies until this year because I knew they weren’t ready for them. After we watched the movies, Natalie wanted me to read the first book to her, so I did. And as is usually the case, I enjoyed it even more than the movie. We are now working on the second one together. I know the books get more intense as they get farther into the series, but we read so many different books it will take a while before we get to the current book, and she’ll be at an age I think she’s ready for it. I, on the other hand, will probably read them myself beforehand, so I can better decide about when she’s ready for them.
As someone who enjoys discussing issues and topics, even with people who disagree with me, I have a hard time understanding people who don’t want to associate with anyone that doesn’t agree with them on everything. To me, that’s the great part of friendship - we learn from each other. That’s part of why I love the blogging community so much. Of course, there are people online who are unwilling to engage in rational debate, but I can always just click the little x in the corner!
Thanks for the comment. Your blog is one of the ones I learn from!
May 27th, 2006 at 5:24 pmI am going to step out here and just say that there are three catagories in which we need to look at. There are things that are unwavering in scripture, some things that are personal preferences or open to some interpretation and other things that are just in the let it go catagory. Dan and I have personally decided for our family we will not read those books. That is a personal choice. It is not a mandate that is crucial to salvation so I just choose to let it go discussion-wise. I have the opposite issue in that most of my friends let their children read Harry Potter and we don’t. I do not judge them and they do not judge me. If God convicts you to not do something then it is up to that individual to be obedient. If God has not convicted you then don’t worry about it. There are just some things that are not worth arguing over and this is one of them. BTW, one of my best friends is a tatoo wearing chica. I also have a SIL that has an eyebrow and belly button ring. I still love those ladies just fine and love you too my sweet friend!!!
(((CARRIE)))
May 28th, 2006 at 11:03 pm[…] That’s it! I’m completely worn out from more spring (late summer) cleaning and then wonderful food and conversation with friends. Remember this post? Well, a homeschooling family moved into our area this spring and we have been slowly getting to know each other. They have two boys - and my kids are so thrilled to find fellow homeschoolers to play Pokemon and talk Harry Potter with. Michelle and I have a lot in common, including an addiction to books and love (and a heritage rooted in) all things Irish. They joined us for burgers off the grill and lots of talking and laughing this evening. I know that we may not agree on everything, but I believe I’ve found a Christian homeschooling mom who I can have a conversation with - even about things we disagree on - and come away as much friends as we were before. So tonight, I’m feeling grateful for new friends. […]
August 25th, 2006 at 8:41 pm