Mommy Brain

Found this list through a link to Joe Missionary at Semicolon and have had it on draft for a while. I just re-read it and it made me laugh — again — so I had to post it. Since I am a worship leader* at our church, these apply to me. I don’t think I’ve ever violated any — at least not that I can remember.

For those who lead their congregations in singing hymns, these Commandments should be a piece of cake. To those who lead contemporary choruses, I’ve got a few words for ya:

I. Thou shalt not repeat a song more than twice.

II. Thou shalt not, when leading prayer following a gross violation of the previous Commandment, break into a slow acapella version of the song that has just been repeated 14 times.

III. Thou shalt not ask thy brethren if they are happy/joyful/ready to worship/etc. If they are, thou wilt know. If they are not, they will lie.

IV. Thou shalt not, if thy brethren are not enthusiastic enough in their response to thy question violating the previous Commandment, force them to repeat their answer more loudly.

V. Thou shalt not command thy brethren to turn to the person next to them and utter cheesy sayings, such as ‘You’re a child of the King!’ or ‘His banner over you is love!’

VI. Thou shalt not repeat a song more than twice.

VII. Thou shalt not command thy brethren to perform hand or arm gestures during a song. Not everyone wants to relive Vacation Bible School.

VIII. Thou shalt not command thy brethren to lift their hands up when singing. If they want to, they will.

IX. Thou shalt not deviate from the basic melody of the song or add unnecessary embellishments. This isn’t American Idol, and it is unlikely that Willow Creek has sent a talent scout.

X. Thou shalt not repeat a song more than twice.

XI. Thou shalt not forget hymns, which aren’t as boring and stale as thy think.

*I have come to think that calling the music portion of a church service “worship” has led to a faulty, narrow understanding of what worship truly is, and don’t like calling myself that anymore. I guess “music leader” or “song leader” would be more appropriate.