Thought-provoking
I came across a link on Semicolon to a thought-provoking article called Let’s Have More Teen Pregnancy by Frederica Matthewes-Green.
“A pattern of late marriage may actually increase the rate of divorce. During that initial decade of physical adulthood, young people may not be getting married, but they’re still falling in love. They fall in love, and break up, and undergo terrible pain, but find that with time they get over it. They may do this many times. Gradually, they get used to it; they learn that they can give their hearts away, and take them back again; they learn to shield their hearts from access in the first place. They learn to approach a relationship with the goal of getting what they want, and keep their bags packed by the door. By the time they marry they may have had many opportunities to learn how to walk away from a promise. They’ve been training for divorce.”
Please don’t let the title of this article scare you off. She makes some very good points — things I have been thinking about a lot lately. When I was growing up, we were admonished to remain physical virgins until we were married by our parents, pastors, basically all adults. But we were never warned of the emotional damage incurred by falling in love or infatuation over and over again, then breaking up or being broken up with.
I am heartened by the courtship movement. I have been encouraging my children that as they grow up, they should not even consider “dating” someone unless he/she is a person that God would approve of as their spouse. Why should they date for the sake of dating? Why put our children in temptation’s way, and then expect them to emerge unscathed?
I wish I had saved myself for my husband. Not only did I not save myself physically, something I admit with heartbreak, but I did not save myself emotionally. I had fallen in deep love four times before I met Kevin. Each one of those relationships caused emotional scars. I do not believe we were made to give our hearts intimately over and over again. I understand that there are circumstances where this happens: unavoidable divorce and then remarriage, or losing a spouse and remarrying. I do not want to judge anyone in these situations. But I hope and pray that when my children open themselves up to that kind of love and intimacy, it is with a person that they desire for their spouse, and it is a person who loves and serves God with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength.
I’ve also seen the damage done by long engagements and delaying marriage. As she states in her article, our bodies were made to desire sexual reproduction. We become physically ready for this at puberty. (I am NOT saying people should start reproducing at age 10 or 12, so don’t freak out!) It used to be that the teen years were preparation for adulthood, and many people married before 21 or 22 years of age. This is no longer the case. People see no reason to marry — they are having sex, so why rush things, right?
My sister’s best friend comes to mind. She met her beloved at church when they were both 16. They waited to start courting until they were 18. Everyone saw their love for each other and their love for their Lord. They seemed made for each other. Their parents agreed. But the groom’s parents refused to bless the marriage until he had finished college. They kept themselves pure and eventually were married. But those years were long and torturous for them, and much resentment was stored up against the groom’s parents. Why make them wait? Many couples work their way through college and are perfectly happy. Why must they be financially comfortable before it is “acceptable” to marry? It used to be that young couples were expected to be “poor” or at least financially challenged. Their families and church families helped where they could, and the couple grew close to each other as they worked together and spent time together since there was no money to do anything else!
I can see that this is turning into a rant, and I’ve probably ruffled a few feathers. I know that we think 19 or 20 is young to marry. But my parents married at 19, and have remained married and committed for 37 years. Many people in their generation and the ones before them married young, and their marriages have much better track records than the ones in my generation, that’s for sure! All I know is that when our children meet someone who loves God and meets the criteria we have for a godly spouse, we will not demand that they have a year- or two-year long engagement. It is better to marry than to burn, right? Why prolong the period of temptation. My husband and I were only engaged for three months, and we didn’t make it.
Oh, well, enough from me. I encourage you to click the link and read the article. It will make you think.
One of the things that has struck me lots of times is that this culture promotes immaturity. I noticed when re-reading Anne of Green Gables that Anne was at age 16, teaching in her local school. Why aren’t our teens doing big important things? I think there are too many teens who are not given enough responsibility to do STUFF, important stuff with their lives.
I think we don’t give teens enough credit & enough role in society. They feel like they can’t contribute & so they just goof off.
Re. the relationships = that’s thought-provoking. I do think younger people tend to be more flexible and more likely to accept and adapt to new circumstances. Couples who get together when they’re older tend to be stuck in their ways & I think there’s way more potential for conflict then. I’m a lactation consultant & I find older moms have a MUCH harder time adapting to the realities of looking after a young baby. I think a similar thing happens in their other relationships….
June 18th, 2005 at 7:49 pmI just want to let you know I totally agree with you, and can relate to much of what you said. We too are for courtship, and many of our friends are as well. We have close friends whose first daughter is getting married - 19 years old. The man is 20 or 21. They started courting in January and are getting married in July. There is always someone with them - be it a young sibling or a friend. It’s so neat - their first kiss will be as husband and wife!
Nice to hear of another choosing to direct their children this way.
June 18th, 2005 at 8:53 pmI got married at 19.
I think you raise some excellent points.
June 19th, 2005 at 6:16 amI also married at 18. I met my dh in 3rd grade. That’s something else I hear about homeschooling - how will they meet someone to marry
Since I was not one of the popular kids I didn’t have many dates and only 3 steady boyfriends, dh included. I can say that I never told one of them, except my dh, that I loved them. To me, just that word “love” means a lot and implies a promise. While I liked the other 2 boys I dated I knew I didn’t love them. I spent every birthday wishing on candles and every night wishing on stars for my dh and I know deep down that it was because I knew that the word was for him only.
I’m not sure how I feel about the dating / courting issue at this time, but I will urge my son to not throw “love” around lightly, either physically or emotionally.
June 19th, 2005 at 12:34 pmI wanted to say something else as well regarding long engagements. Dh and I dated for 2 years before getting married. In some cases I think a long engagement can be a good thing. I heard a psychiatrist say once that if you have a quick engagement with someone you really don’t know the person yet. When you date someone they are usually on their best behavior. You never see their temper or their reactions to stress. You don’t know if they have a drug or alcohol problem because they can hide it for a short time. But if you date someone or have a long engagement it’s harder to hide a bad temper or substance abuse problem. I’m not talking about living together to see these things either - I believe if these problems exist they will eventually problems will come out with a long engagement have a long engagement.
June 19th, 2005 at 7:16 pmI just discovered Mommy Brain, and I find the insight here intriguing.
My marriage is also the product of a long engagement, encouraged by parents who thought they had our best intentions at heart. We were ready for marriage within 9 months, but had to wait 19 months. The wait was excruciating, because we saved sex until after our marriage (neither of us were virgins). I guess I have mixed feelings about it, since it seems to have helped us know each other better before a sexual relationship entered the picture. I’m sure we would have done fine either way. We’ve been married 10 years, and now we counsel other couples to delay sex wait until marriage, even if they have already tainted their relationship by sharing intimacy too soon. There’s always hope and redemption for a relationship between two people who love God.
June 20th, 2005 at 5:40 amLook at all these comments — I need to post on controversial topics more often! I guess I should clarify a little about the short engagement thing. Kevin and I have talked a lot about the courtship idea and how we want to incorporate it into our family. We envision that when there is a young man (or woman) that one of our children is interested in enough to pursue a relationship that will lead to marriage, they would spend a large amount of time together within the family — both ours and the other person’s. That way by the time the proposal comes, they already know each other very well. Our family would also know their family well and we would spend time together and time discussing our children and their future. I don’t want this to sound like we would make the decisions for them, but I do believe that children would be wise to take their parent’s input and advice when it comes to choosing a spouse. Love blinds a person sometimes, and Proverbs says that a wise person seeks counsel. Anyway, that is why I then think it would be okay to have a short engagement. The period of knowing each other and learning about each other and each other’s family dynamics would have already occurred before the proposal. At that point, I would hope that both families would bless the engagement, and wedding plans would start.
June 20th, 2005 at 8:27 amI would have to say I agree with Christina… I married at 19 and in our case, we were too young. Overall, of course I don’t regret having my kids, but I didn’t know anything about alcoholism, because my parents never drank, and I didn’t know anything about mental illness - and my husband’s family had both of these issues - but I didn’t recognize the warning signs and it was years later that I started realizing there were issues… after 16 years of marriage, which included counseling and many attempts to get “help” we split up. Now, I talk openly and honestly with my young adult daughters about the types of things you need to look at in potential partners - like substance abuse and mental health issues - I provide lots of guidance and direction - and help them to make their own healthy choices about who they date - neither of them “dated” before they were 19 (by their own choice)
June 23rd, 2005 at 10:12 pmand when they did date, they learned about issues of compatibility and respect…. I am focused on encouraging them to find out who they are, what their own personal goals are.. while I think it is important to develop healthy relationship skills, it is just as important to get an undergraduate degree (or whatever other education one might need for a productive future).